A month and a half left until graduation. A month and a half left until the end of our college careers. Uncertainties refuse to remain relegated in the damp darkness of our unconscious for much longer. They snarl their threats in grad school rejection letters. They creep behind the masks of questions like, "What are you doing after you graduate?"
We are not our jobs.
We are not our grades.
But we are our community. I won't miss my assignments and papers, but I will miss people who I don't need to explain myself to. I will miss shared experiences that need no words. I will miss my brothers and my sisters who have seen the worst and the best of all I am, who know how I think and have seen me cry.
I remind myself of the ways in which God has worked in my life and how He has directed it, especially in the times He has given me very little choice in the matter. I try to tell myself that this is the case, that if given a choice, I would probably make the wrong one. But the uncertainties ask me if I'm just uttering a mantra to make myself feel better.
I want to actively embrace and prepare for the change that forges toward us like a runaway train. But I don't want it to hit me like one. If I knew how to anticipate the onslaught of frustrations and emotions, I would. But I don't.
My friends tell me that I think too much. (I think it's a control thing).
Henri Nouwen tells me to live in the present.
Where is my faith?
Jesus, I believe. Help my unbelief.
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1 comment:
i agree: it IS ok to not be ok, chuck liu. i appreciate your honest post. unbelief is scary, yet i feel like i am learning that that is why we are called to a life of faith. when we think we understand things, that also causes problems. here's to embracing the ambiguity of graduation and faith...
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