I Can't Stop Thinking About Sex

Actually, I can't stop thinking about sexuality, who we are as men and women, what intimacy and love mean, identity and security, partly because I'm taking Psychology of Sexuality, but partly because these topics have always interested me. I mean, how can they not? Each of those affect us deeply. It would certainly be in our best interest to better understand the relationships between all those complex subjects, if only for our own sake.

No small thanks to my time in China working with a sexual education curriculum, I seem to have acquired a high degree of tolerance when speaking about issues of sexuality. So, I don't intend to mince words. You have been warned.

I try to avoid pornography. I don't need to go into details about how it seriously messes with men's minds and contemptuously degrades women. (For the former, take Dr. Struthers' Men and Addictions class, or read his book on that topic, almost in print). Though concerning the latter, I am a strict affirmer of aesthetic beauty. There are those of us who are slightly more sensitive to the color of a note or the sound of snowfall. We are winded by nature and can be stopped cold with a painting. I affirm physical beauty in creation as God given, and I echo His statement that "It is good." Asceticism? Hell no.

However, in my bittorrent client (don't worry, if you don't know what that is, it doesn't matter) which I frequently use, the most popular and highest rated files are often those of a soft-core pornographic nature. At best, someone can try to legitimize it by saying, "But I'm simply admiring beauty!" At worst, obviously, there is no excuse except lust. Now, I affirm the physical beauty in women. But lest an analogy goes awry, women are not simply a painting to be gawked at. Our physical selves are simply an aspect of who we are. (I have much more to say about the affirmation of physical beauty in relation to who we are as holistic people, but I'll save that for another day). Perhaps I've been primed to be more keen towards issues of gender, relationships and sexuality since taking the class, but here are a few of my recent thoughts and observations.

Scenario one. I recently watched the French movie "Amelie," which, by the way, was incredible. However, despite its beauty, its view towards sexuality rubbed me the wrong way. Aside from a rather blasé and irreverent view towards sex during most of the movie, a relationship between two strangers is symbolically and literally epitomized using sex as the culmination of intimacy. (If you haven't noticed, that's pretty much the norm in the media's understanding of sex).

Scenario two. I watched the movie "Once," also an unforgettable movie with an intense soundtrack. In this case, the lead character asks to sleep with the girl he just met because he was lonely, causing tension between them for the rest of the movie.

Scenario three. I watched "Juno," a witty and enjoyable movie as well. However, the sex was so out of place and immature, there was no beauty in it, just awkwardness.

Those scenarios all suffer from a common malady, namely a truncated view of sexual intimacy. First, our view towards sexuality suffers from the same disease that plagues the rest of our lives, namely, compartmentalization. We talk about sex as an isolated act. In an attempt to affirm its sanctity, we Christians have elevated it so high on this pedestal that it has become detached from the realities of every day life. It is recognized as pertinent to our nitty gritty existence only so far as to prevent it from happening before marriage. We fail to realize that our sexuality and desires for intimacy go beyond simply the reproductive act of sex, but is rooted in the very core of who we are as men and women, created to live in relationship.

Secondly, sex, I think, has become a sort of idol in Christian circles. "Christian locker room talk" would have me believe that the wedding night will be the most ecstatic and satisfying night of my life. This distorted ideation fails to recognize the complexity of intimacy. I don't believe that sex is the end-all-be-all of intimacy. It is (or rather, should be) a deep manifestation of it, yet the depth of our sexuality and relationships are not limited to sex. Though I am surrounded by gender stereotypes, I find it hard to believe that men are only sex-driven automatons guided by their unwavering desire for phallic satisfaction. In fact, I believe it is this truncated view of sexuality that has deprived us of the opportunity to express and experience intimacy in ways that don't require us to take off our pants.

Pornography, sex without commitment, mechanistic views of sex, all those things bother me because they lack the true intimacy between a man and a woman that makes for a healthy view of sex. In regards to pornography, it elevates, de-contexualizes, and adulterates one aspect of femininity, as if there is nothing more to a woman than her body. It is an ugly excuse for a cheap and broken version of something that is extremely costly but deeply beautiful. However, on the Christian side, idolization of sex, a lack of acknowledgment concerning sexuality, compartmentalization and over-simplification of sexuality might almost be just as harmful. Instead of providing a forum in which men and women can safely explore and discover their identities and relationships with one another as amazingly complex creations, our Christian culture seems content in expounding the dangers of premarital sex. Wouldn't relationships be richer and our lives fuller if the church spent more time encouraging a healthy holistic sexuality? Wouldn't our families be more whole if we went into marriage without fears caused by distorted views and unspoken expectations? Wouldn't it be beautiful to embrace and be at home in the bodies and minds the Lord has given us?

In the end, sex and sexuality cannot be spoken of outside of "the other," as no relational aspect of our lives can. I'll end my rambling with a little note I sent a recently engaged friend who grew up in a broken family:

"There's a hope that the relationships we get ourselves into will turn out better than the ones we grew up in. There's a hope that our marriages will make a family that brings joy, not frustration and pain.

"Here's to hoping eh? Here's to the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit that breaks the power of environment, our past, and ourselves. Here's to him who makes all things new."