There is guilt that comes along with being a guy. The guilt exists because of the recognition of what so many of my sisters go through... the burdens they carry in trying to achieve attractiveness according to society’s impossible standards, all because that’s what they think they need to be in order to be liked by people, including us “men,” who also agree with what we see on TV and magazines and pornography.
I feel guilty because I know what these images do to women... I can only imagine the feelings of inadequacy and personal dissatisfaction when they compare themselves against the 5’10” model that weighs 115 pounds. And yet, this is what we are trained to be attracted to. I feel guilty because as much as I desire to honor women, there is this dark part of me that has imbibed in objectifying them and dehumanizing them.
And we men... we so actively participate in it, with our words, who we give attention to, who we look at and smile at... how we cold shoulder those we consider to be unattractive.
We see the results of our sin, in women trying to win our approval with their bodies, in the process selling themselves as less than they are. My friends compliment each other on their thinness, or we in our naitivite, try to affirm women with, “On you look nice today!” all the while not knowing that those compliments are reinforcing destructive behaviors among themselves. We talk about personal worth apart from weight and attractiveness, yet that is how so many women, view themselves... that’s how we men view women.
All the while, we men... we sad excuses of brothers, are guilty as hell. I don’t even need to mention the rape, abuse or other sins we commit. It simply saddens me to watch modesty give way to skin, though it undeniably catches my eye. It’s hard to accept that the reason we find a girl physically attractive is because she cares so much about what other people think that she would throw up her last meal (or not eat it at all) to retain her size and shape. I feel as if my attraction silently condones and approves the ways in which women hurt themselves and are hurt by the world. I feel as if in recognizing the sin that runs in me, I cannot vehemently condemn it as it deserves because it crouches at my own door.
I want so badly to be a real blessing to women... to fight against the structures that chip away at their Imago Dei. Yet I participate so deeply in spoken and unspoken ways that oppress them.
I’m sorry sisters, for being such shitty brothers to you. Please show us grace. Please don’t give up on us. Christ is in the business of making us new, is He not?
I'm sorry that this is the most I can offer.
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I Can't Stop Thinking About Sex
Actually, I can't stop thinking about sexuality, who we are as men and women, what intimacy and love mean, identity and security, partly because I'm taking Psychology of Sexuality, but partly because these topics have always interested me. I mean, how can they not? Each of those affect us deeply. It would certainly be in our best interest to better understand the relationships between all those complex subjects, if only for our own sake.
No small thanks to my time in China working with a sexual education curriculum, I seem to have acquired a high degree of tolerance when speaking about issues of sexuality. So, I don't intend to mince words. You have been warned.
I try to avoid pornography. I don't need to go into details about how it seriously messes with men's minds and contemptuously degrades women. (For the former, take Dr. Struthers' Men and Addictions class, or read his book on that topic, almost in print). Though concerning the latter, I am a strict affirmer of aesthetic beauty. There are those of us who are slightly more sensitive to the color of a note or the sound of snowfall. We are winded by nature and can be stopped cold with a painting. I affirm physical beauty in creation as God given, and I echo His statement that "It is good." Asceticism? Hell no.
However, in my bittorrent client (don't worry, if you don't know what that is, it doesn't matter) which I frequently use, the most popular and highest rated files are often those of a soft-core pornographic nature. At best, someone can try to legitimize it by saying, "But I'm simply admiring beauty!" At worst, obviously, there is no excuse except lust. Now, I affirm the physical beauty in women. But lest an analogy goes awry, women are not simply a painting to be gawked at. Our physical selves are simply an aspect of who we are. (I have much more to say about the affirmation of physical beauty in relation to who we are as holistic people, but I'll save that for another day). Perhaps I've been primed to be more keen towards issues of gender, relationships and sexuality since taking the class, but here are a few of my recent thoughts and observations.
Scenario one. I recently watched the French movie "Amelie," which, by the way, was incredible. However, despite its beauty, its view towards sexuality rubbed me the wrong way. Aside from a rather blasé and irreverent view towards sex during most of the movie, a relationship between two strangers is symbolically and literally epitomized using sex as the culmination of intimacy. (If you haven't noticed, that's pretty much the norm in the media's understanding of sex).
Scenario two. I watched the movie "Once," also an unforgettable movie with an intense soundtrack. In this case, the lead character asks to sleep with the girl he just met because he was lonely, causing tension between them for the rest of the movie.
Scenario three. I watched "Juno," a witty and enjoyable movie as well. However, the sex was so out of place and immature, there was no beauty in it, just awkwardness.
Those scenarios all suffer from a common malady, namely a truncated view of sexual intimacy. First, our view towards sexuality suffers from the same disease that plagues the rest of our lives, namely, compartmentalization. We talk about sex as an isolated act. In an attempt to affirm its sanctity, we Christians have elevated it so high on this pedestal that it has become detached from the realities of every day life. It is recognized as pertinent to our nitty gritty existence only so far as to prevent it from happening before marriage. We fail to realize that our sexuality and desires for intimacy go beyond simply the reproductive act of sex, but is rooted in the very core of who we are as men and women, created to live in relationship.
Secondly, sex, I think, has become a sort of idol in Christian circles. "Christian locker room talk" would have me believe that the wedding night will be the most ecstatic and satisfying night of my life. This distorted ideation fails to recognize the complexity of intimacy. I don't believe that sex is the end-all-be-all of intimacy. It is (or rather, should be) a deep manifestation of it, yet the depth of our sexuality and relationships are not limited to sex. Though I am surrounded by gender stereotypes, I find it hard to believe that men are only sex-driven automatons guided by their unwavering desire for phallic satisfaction. In fact, I believe it is this truncated view of sexuality that has deprived us of the opportunity to express and experience intimacy in ways that don't require us to take off our pants.
Pornography, sex without commitment, mechanistic views of sex, all those things bother me because they lack the true intimacy between a man and a woman that makes for a healthy view of sex. In regards to pornography, it elevates, de-contexualizes, and adulterates one aspect of femininity, as if there is nothing more to a woman than her body. It is an ugly excuse for a cheap and broken version of something that is extremely costly but deeply beautiful. However, on the Christian side, idolization of sex, a lack of acknowledgment concerning sexuality, compartmentalization and over-simplification of sexuality might almost be just as harmful. Instead of providing a forum in which men and women can safely explore and discover their identities and relationships with one another as amazingly complex creations, our Christian culture seems content in expounding the dangers of premarital sex. Wouldn't relationships be richer and our lives fuller if the church spent more time encouraging a healthy holistic sexuality? Wouldn't our families be more whole if we went into marriage without fears caused by distorted views and unspoken expectations? Wouldn't it be beautiful to embrace and be at home in the bodies and minds the Lord has given us?
In the end, sex and sexuality cannot be spoken of outside of "the other," as no relational aspect of our lives can. I'll end my rambling with a little note I sent a recently engaged friend who grew up in a broken family:
"There's a hope that the relationships we get ourselves into will turn out better than the ones we grew up in. There's a hope that our marriages will make a family that brings joy, not frustration and pain.
"Here's to hoping eh? Here's to the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit that breaks the power of environment, our past, and ourselves. Here's to him who makes all things new."
No small thanks to my time in China working with a sexual education curriculum, I seem to have acquired a high degree of tolerance when speaking about issues of sexuality. So, I don't intend to mince words. You have been warned.
I try to avoid pornography. I don't need to go into details about how it seriously messes with men's minds and contemptuously degrades women. (For the former, take Dr. Struthers' Men and Addictions class, or read his book on that topic, almost in print). Though concerning the latter, I am a strict affirmer of aesthetic beauty. There are those of us who are slightly more sensitive to the color of a note or the sound of snowfall. We are winded by nature and can be stopped cold with a painting. I affirm physical beauty in creation as God given, and I echo His statement that "It is good." Asceticism? Hell no.
However, in my bittorrent client (don't worry, if you don't know what that is, it doesn't matter) which I frequently use, the most popular and highest rated files are often those of a soft-core pornographic nature. At best, someone can try to legitimize it by saying, "But I'm simply admiring beauty!" At worst, obviously, there is no excuse except lust. Now, I affirm the physical beauty in women. But lest an analogy goes awry, women are not simply a painting to be gawked at. Our physical selves are simply an aspect of who we are. (I have much more to say about the affirmation of physical beauty in relation to who we are as holistic people, but I'll save that for another day). Perhaps I've been primed to be more keen towards issues of gender, relationships and sexuality since taking the class, but here are a few of my recent thoughts and observations.
Scenario one. I recently watched the French movie "Amelie," which, by the way, was incredible. However, despite its beauty, its view towards sexuality rubbed me the wrong way. Aside from a rather blasé and irreverent view towards sex during most of the movie, a relationship between two strangers is symbolically and literally epitomized using sex as the culmination of intimacy. (If you haven't noticed, that's pretty much the norm in the media's understanding of sex).
Scenario two. I watched the movie "Once," also an unforgettable movie with an intense soundtrack. In this case, the lead character asks to sleep with the girl he just met because he was lonely, causing tension between them for the rest of the movie.
Scenario three. I watched "Juno," a witty and enjoyable movie as well. However, the sex was so out of place and immature, there was no beauty in it, just awkwardness.
Those scenarios all suffer from a common malady, namely a truncated view of sexual intimacy. First, our view towards sexuality suffers from the same disease that plagues the rest of our lives, namely, compartmentalization. We talk about sex as an isolated act. In an attempt to affirm its sanctity, we Christians have elevated it so high on this pedestal that it has become detached from the realities of every day life. It is recognized as pertinent to our nitty gritty existence only so far as to prevent it from happening before marriage. We fail to realize that our sexuality and desires for intimacy go beyond simply the reproductive act of sex, but is rooted in the very core of who we are as men and women, created to live in relationship.
Secondly, sex, I think, has become a sort of idol in Christian circles. "Christian locker room talk" would have me believe that the wedding night will be the most ecstatic and satisfying night of my life. This distorted ideation fails to recognize the complexity of intimacy. I don't believe that sex is the end-all-be-all of intimacy. It is (or rather, should be) a deep manifestation of it, yet the depth of our sexuality and relationships are not limited to sex. Though I am surrounded by gender stereotypes, I find it hard to believe that men are only sex-driven automatons guided by their unwavering desire for phallic satisfaction. In fact, I believe it is this truncated view of sexuality that has deprived us of the opportunity to express and experience intimacy in ways that don't require us to take off our pants.
Pornography, sex without commitment, mechanistic views of sex, all those things bother me because they lack the true intimacy between a man and a woman that makes for a healthy view of sex. In regards to pornography, it elevates, de-contexualizes, and adulterates one aspect of femininity, as if there is nothing more to a woman than her body. It is an ugly excuse for a cheap and broken version of something that is extremely costly but deeply beautiful. However, on the Christian side, idolization of sex, a lack of acknowledgment concerning sexuality, compartmentalization and over-simplification of sexuality might almost be just as harmful. Instead of providing a forum in which men and women can safely explore and discover their identities and relationships with one another as amazingly complex creations, our Christian culture seems content in expounding the dangers of premarital sex. Wouldn't relationships be richer and our lives fuller if the church spent more time encouraging a healthy holistic sexuality? Wouldn't our families be more whole if we went into marriage without fears caused by distorted views and unspoken expectations? Wouldn't it be beautiful to embrace and be at home in the bodies and minds the Lord has given us?
In the end, sex and sexuality cannot be spoken of outside of "the other," as no relational aspect of our lives can. I'll end my rambling with a little note I sent a recently engaged friend who grew up in a broken family:
"There's a hope that the relationships we get ourselves into will turn out better than the ones we grew up in. There's a hope that our marriages will make a family that brings joy, not frustration and pain.
"Here's to hoping eh? Here's to the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit that breaks the power of environment, our past, and ourselves. Here's to him who makes all things new."
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