Visceral Grace

We live by bold statements. We try to take lessons from the mouth of Jesus and the pens of prophets, and graft them onto ourselves. Our grafts try to bring peace, they try to move in love, they try to speak words of truth. We make grand gestures with our arms and try to embrace those who have been cut by misplaced touch. But every once in a while, if we are keen to those tumultuous unspoken currents that pulse within us, they sometimes spill out and reveal that no matter how many branches and leaves we tape to our bodies, a slab of cold granite is incapable of accepting grafts. The fear that wells up from prejudices we deny, the anger that blinds from wrongs we have forgiven, the bitterness that should have gone with the times…we are no tree of life.

I believe visceral reactions often reveal truths we bury under layers of ideals we deceive ourselves into believing. Before those well-rehearsed truths are able to do damage control, our beating hearts and short breath betray another reality, one that says anger is lurking outside our door, that our fear merely wears masks, and that bitterness is no lover of God or men.

Years ago in high school, I listened to a speaker talk about “bitter root syndrome,” as he spoke out of Hebrews 12:14-15. The verses say, “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” He warned strongly about the potential for bitterness to dig its tendrils deep into our being, tainting our thoughts and actions, and warring against our call to be the new creations that we are. Living at peace is intrinsically connected to holiness, and holiness to seeing the Lord. This bitter root, this growing poison chokes not only our own love and holiness, but according to Hebrews, it threatens to cast its curse upon others as well.

I’m not certain what it means to possibly “fall short of the grace of God.” But I assume that it means somehow granting grace by living up to that same grace given to us, in line with, “Forgive us our trespasses AS WE forgive those who trespass against us.” The granting of grace or forgiveness does not require bilateral reciprocation, since we were redeemed unilaterally, while we were still sinners. Plastering ourselves with Christian truisms does not necessitate transformation. Somewhere deep inside, where tangled roots of bitterness innervate our visceral reactions, this is where grace weeds out anger and fear. What controls us is our idol. What dictates our steps, thoughts, words, who or what we avoid and embrace… this is what we worship.

I do not serve a god that succumbs to fear or bitterness. Anger has no permanent address here. I serve a Lord who prayed with grace, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

An Open Apology to My Sisters

There is guilt that comes along with being a guy. The guilt exists because of the recognition of what so many of my sisters go through... the burdens they carry in trying to achieve attractiveness according to society’s impossible standards, all because that’s what they think they need to be in order to be liked by people, including us “men,” who also agree with what we see on TV and magazines and pornography.

I feel guilty because I know what these images do to women... I can only imagine the feelings of inadequacy and personal dissatisfaction when they compare themselves against the 5’10” model that weighs 115 pounds. And yet, this is what we are trained to be attracted to. I feel guilty because as much as I desire to honor women, there is this dark part of me that has imbibed in objectifying them and dehumanizing them.

And we men... we so actively participate in it, with our words, who we give attention to, who we look at and smile at... how we cold shoulder those we consider to be unattractive.

We see the results of our sin, in women trying to win our approval with their bodies, in the process selling themselves as less than they are. My friends compliment each other on their thinness, or we in our naitivite, try to affirm women with, “On you look nice today!” all the while not knowing that those compliments are reinforcing destructive behaviors among themselves. We talk about personal worth apart from weight and attractiveness, yet that is how so many women, view themselves... that’s how we men view women.

All the while, we men... we sad excuses of brothers, are guilty as hell. I don’t even need to mention the rape, abuse or other sins we commit. It simply saddens me to watch modesty give way to skin, though it undeniably catches my eye. It’s hard to accept that the reason we find a girl physically attractive is because she cares so much about what other people think that she would throw up her last meal (or not eat it at all) to retain her size and shape. I feel as if my attraction silently condones and approves the ways in which women hurt themselves and are hurt by the world. I feel as if in recognizing the sin that runs in me, I cannot vehemently condemn it as it deserves because it crouches at my own door.

I want so badly to be a real blessing to women... to fight against the structures that chip away at their Imago Dei. Yet I participate so deeply in spoken and unspoken ways that oppress them.

I’m sorry sisters, for being such shitty brothers to you. Please show us grace. Please don’t give up on us. Christ is in the business of making us new, is He not?

I'm sorry that this is the most I can offer.